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I am so happy being married and living with my best friend. We adopted our first child, Ari, in 2011 through a domestic adoption and our second, Jude, in 2014.

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Friday, March 19, 2010

Hard Days

Some days infertility just sucks, plain and simple. Actually, it always does, but some days are a lot harder than others. Today is one of those days for me. I try to stay positive because I know that God's plan for my life is far greater than anything I could ever even dream of...but that doesn't mean that His plan isn't painful at times. So today is simply one of those "hard" days for me.

It's not easy to describe the emotions that can come with infertility. All of it is so overwhelming that if you try to talk about it, you usually just end up crying instead of expressing anything at all! A while back I discovered a song called "So Hard" by The Dixie Chicks. One of the band members wrote it while she and her husband were struggling with fertility issues. There's a part in it that really stands out to me and helps to express some of the emotions I feel. It is:

"And sometimes I don't have the energy
To prove everybody wrong
And I try my best to be strong
But you know it's so hard
It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard

It felt like a given
Something a woman's born to do
A natural ambition
To see a reflection of me and you

And I'd feel so guilty
If that was a gift I couldn't give
And could you be happy
If life wasn't how we pictured it?"

The part that strikes me the most is about how getting pregnant is something so natural that woman are just supposed to be able to do. None of us would be here if it weren't for pregnancy. It kills me sometimes that I may not be able to participate in that and contribute to human life in that way. I may not ever be able to see the reflection of Mike and I in a child. I will be a mother one day. I have no doubts about that. But I do not know if I will ever be pregnant. And some days that's all just a little too hard.


Anonymous said...

Love you Vanessa!

Danna said...

Love you!!

Amberghini said...

Your perfect babies are still in the works!!! Praying they will be ready for you soon! Until then you can always adopt me!!! ;P Hang in there! xo!!!