Hard Days

Some days infertility just sucks, plain and simple. Actually, it always does, but some days are a lot harder than others. Today is one of those days for me. I try to stay positive because I know that God's plan for my life is far greater than anything I could ever even dream of...but that doesn't mean that His plan isn't painful at times. So today is simply one of those "hard" days for me.

It's not easy to describe the emotions that can come with infertility. All of it is so overwhelming that if you try to talk about it, you usually just end up crying instead of expressing anything at all! A while back I discovered a song called "So Hard" by The Dixie Chicks. One of the band members wrote it while she and her husband were struggling with fertility issues. There's a part in it that really stands out to me and helps to express some of the emotions I feel. It is:

"And sometimes I don't have the energy

To prove everybody wrong

And I try my best to be strong

But you know it's so hard

It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy

It's so hard when it doesn't come fast

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy

It's so hard

It felt like a given

Something a woman's born to do

A natural ambition

To see a reflection of me and you

And I'd feel so guilty

If that was a gift I couldn't give

And could you be happy

If life wasn't how we pictured it?"

The part that strikes me the most is about how getting pregnant is something so natural that woman are just supposed to be able to do. None of us would be here if it weren't for pregnancy. It kills me sometimes that I may not be able to participate in that and contribute to human life in that way. I may not ever be able to see the reflection of Mike and I in a child. I will be a mother one day. I have no doubts about that. But I do not know if I will ever be pregnant. And some days that's all just a little too hard.