An Infertility Update

The title says it all. It's been a little bit since I've said anything specific about what we're up to right now (in)fertility wise, so here's a quick little update.

A month ago we were told by my doctor that we would most likely never conceive on our own, or through IUI. That left the options of building our family through either IVF or adoption. When I first heard this I had such a strong desire to be pregnant. I wanted to create life myself, feel life growing inside of me, and give birth to that life. I have dreamed of being pregnant since I was a little girl. It's simply what I've always seen myself doing, multiple and multiple times. ;)

However, in this past month I have not been able to get adoption out of my head. Or maybe I should say more accurately, God has put adoption in my head and won't let me stop thinking about it. It's definitely been an interesting month thinking through all of this.

We've always known if we go the adoption route that we would use this agency (don't really want to write out the name so that my blog won't show up when the agency is Googled). I have started talking a little bit with them through email and gotten the initial paperwork to fill out. The only hinderance for now, as I have previously mentioned, is the fact that the hubs no longer has a job past mid-August. We wouldn't be able to get approved financially for this process until there's something concrete in place for when his summer job ends.

So that's where our focus is for now...find another job! He's really interested in doing something with his degree (Broadcast Journalism), so if anyone knows of some radio jobs out there let us know! It's definitely been a struggle to suddenly be so ready to pursue this, but have to wait because of the job situation. Sometimes it's really, really hard to imagine what God is up to when the "getting there" is so difficult right now, but we know and trust that the end result will be amazing!

The Wonderful World of Geocaching

Well, the hubs and I have started geocaching and we are having an absolute blast doing it! If you don't know what geocaching is, here's the description from their website: "Geocaching is a high-tech treasure hunting game played throughout the world by adventure seekers equipped with GPS devices. The basic idea is to locate hidden containers, called geocaches, outdoors and then share your experiences online. Geocaching is enjoyed by people from all age groups, with a strong sense of community and support for the environment." Or, for a more casual description, some people have been known to say, "I use multi-million dollar satellites to find tupperware in the woods. What's your hobby?"

My brother and sister-in-law have been doing this for a while now and the hubs and I just started four days ago. We've already found 23 caches. We're just a little bit addicted! haha!

If I haven't said it before, let me say, infertility is stressful. Very, very stressful. If you let it, it can very easily consume your life. In fact, it quite often consumes many marriages. We, however, absolutely refuse to let that happen to us. Infertility is simply a condition we have; it is not who we are. We must keep our relationship and marriage at the forefront of our daily lives, not our infertility. (And here's where this little paragraph ties into geocaching... haha!) That's why all of this has been so nice. It's just been great to spend the time together and find a new hobby that we both enjoy doing.

Okay, enough about all of that. Now here's some fun pictures of geocaching! haha!

Some caches have very interesting containers!

And some have very interesting locations.

And some are very, very small!

Some have what are called "travel bugs" inside of them. We found this one which is racing two others to Longmont, CO. We are heading to New Mexico soon, so we plan on placing it inside of another cache then to get it closer to its destination!

Heading way into the woods for a cache. Mike ended up with two ticks on him after this one and I had one.

Finally found it! Phew!

The Hubs

Just a head's up, this entire post is going to be dedicated to how awesome my husband is. So if you don't like the mushy, gushy stuff...turn away now. You've been warned. ;)

Last May the hubs graduated from college with a degree in Broadcast Journalism. He loves radio work and is really good at what he does. However, radio jobs are very few and far between right now. After college he continued his job at an Apple retail store for several months, but that was very quickly becoming frustrating. Let's face it, retail jobs just suck. One of our best friends, Amelia, works with Special Ed children and after Mike spent an evening talking with her he thought this might be something he would like to explore.

For the last 7 months he has been working as a para professional with children who have special needs such as autism, mental handicaps, and Down Syndrome. This has not been an easy job. It requires strong patience and the task of quite often being a bathroom wiper. It is certainly not something for the weak. I could never do it, but he has loved his time there and I dare say that he has blessed those children's lives for the better.

The only hard thing about all of this is that school positions aren't terribly safe right now. There are layoff's all the time and you never know when they're going to hit. But Mike got hit on Monday. He was told that it simply wasn't in the budget for him to have a job next year. He was devastated. Who wouldn't be?? It was also hard to not take it personally. He was not fired...he simply was laid off because he was the most recent para to join the school, which made him the first to go. It's still not a fun feeling, no matter the reason.

Our lives haven't been easy over the past two years. We've been incredibly blessed in certain areas, but we've also been struggling with infertility that entire time. Now, just as soon as we're getting deep into making a very costly decision about IVF or adoption, he gets laid off. But here's where the hubs gets amazing... (as if he wasn't amazing enough already for having that job).

Mike was upset over this circumstance for maybe a few hours that evening. Then he put back on his annoyingly wonderful and optimistic happy pants. ;) This is what he told me... It was obvious God had another plan for him, otherwise this wouldn't have happened. He simply needs to find the door that God now wants him to walk through. He said if he ever cried over this it would be tears of joy because he knows that God has something great in store for him and he can't wait to figure out what it is.

Umm, wow! Like I said, my husband is amazing. I am so blessed to get to walk through this difficult infertility journey with him. Somedays it seems like the hits just never stop coming, but as long as he keeps wearing those annoying happy pants and as long as we seek God first, I know we will come out on top through all of this.

Scratch That Last Plan

Oh, how one day can change everything. Wait, no. Oh, how just 15 minutes spent with your doctor can change everything!

On Friday I had a follow up appointment with my doctor regarding my surgery. We went over what he found and then discussed where we would go from here. I told him that our wishful thinking makes us want to be able to get pregnant on our now that I've had this surgery. He talked about my problems and any issues the hubs may have. He then very bluntly, yet so sweetly, told me that with our combined problems the chance of us conceiving a child on our own or through IUI is 0%. Ooouuuccchhh!! Can you imagine how that knocked the wind out of me??

Now, this man has a knack for always being able to tell when I'm about to cry. He also has a knack for always making me cry! I think he does it on purpose!! But right after that little kick in the gut he told me not to fall apart and to stick with him. He said not in a million years would he tell someone that they would never get pregnant on their own. It's always possible. After all, it only takes one egg and one sperm. But...the stats and numbers exist for a reason.

So where does he say that brings us to...oh yes, IVF (in vitro fertilization). If we want to get pregnant this is where our money needs to be spent. Our family will be built through IVF and/or adoption. Both are incredibly expensive and both are incredibly stressful, but we have to choose one for now.

Truly, right now, my heart is in IVF. I want to create a life. I want to feel life growing inside of me. I want to give birth to life. I want to see my features reflected back in that life. I will not be ashamed of having these feelings either. I believe that they are all natural feelings for a woman.

There's a lot of research, saving money, and prayer to be done before we proceed with anything. But we will proceed. I just can't sit back anymore. We have been trying for 20 months now and we must press on. As Dr. Nilson said to me before I left his office, "You will have a baby. It might take a while and you might have to use a lot of money, but you can get pregnant." (Like I said, I think he tries to make me cry on purpose!) I really believe what he says. One way or another, our family will expand. We will be parents. Through lots of prayer (and lots of Google-ing!) I believe we will reach a concrete decision soon of where we are headed. Stay tuned. :)

Back to Real Life

This week I have started going back to work full time, which means everything is going back to "real life." The pain pills from the surgery are gone and almost all of the pain itself is gone as well. Even though I enjoyed it, as much as I could while just sitting on my bum, "vacation" time is over. I was blessed during the last two weeks to have a great husband always taking care of me, a great mom always checking in on me, and a great group of coworkers always dropping by with meals! I really know some truly great people!

But, like I said, it is back to "real life" now and I'm okay with that. That simply means that we are moving onward. I try to look forward to what we have ahead of us, but at the same time I'm terrified. I'm absolutely terrified that there may be no close end in sight to our struggle. Infertility is so incredibly draining on life and marriage. It can be draining emotionally, financially, physically, and yes, even sexually. I have to daily choose to put on a smile and have a positive attitude, and that is not always an easy choice.

The future is so unknown. We have our plans for the moment...now after the surgery we'll try on our own for about three more months while still looking for adoption opportunities. Once our three months are up we may look further into doing some IVF treatments in St. Louis. I can only hope that our earthly plans are somewhere in line with God's Heavenly plans. But if there's anything I've learned in the past 20 months of trying to get pregnant, it's to not count on any of my plans! We will just continue on into the scary, unknown future with Him by our side, and somehow, someway we will make it through with the ultimate plan finally being clear. Someday.

NIAW

Right now, during the week of April 24th - May 1st, it is National Infertility Awareness Week. A great website to use during this week comes from the organization Resolve, which is the National Infertility Association. I encourage you to check it out to see what you can do to get involved, or just go there to simply learn more about what 1 out of every 8 couples are going through.

Infertility is a daily struggle and battle, both emotionally and physically, that takes a toll on so many aspects of one's life. During this week there are a lot of different things going around in the "blog world" to help raise awareness. One of those is called "Project IF" which asks people to talk about all the questions and uncertainties that come with this struggle. The title for this project stems from two different things. First of all, infertility is abbreviated to "IF" quite often online. Second of all, there are so many "What If's" that come with infertility. I wanted to share with you a very moving video that a woman made as part of this project. You can find her blog here. Please take just a few minutes to watch this video and always be praying for those affecting by infertility. Thank you.

What IF? A Portrait of Infertility from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

The Boredom of Rest

This post-surgery "resting stuff" has been pretty nice. However, this post-surgery "resting stuff" for an entire week straight can also get pretty boring, pretty quick. Therefore, I have tried to find small things I can do to keep myself entertained while still sitting on my booty. A few months ago I found a really cute idea for a scrapbook paper wreath on the blog Razzle Dazzle Crafting. I decided to give it a shot myself to make a spring wreath and this was my results...

Cute, right?? And it's sooo simple!! Here's the process:

First you need to cut out lots of approx. 1x6 strips of paper. I simply cut a 12x12 piece of paper into twelve one inch wide sections. I then cut those in half lengthwise to get 24 strips out of one piece of paper. Next, I put Mod Podge on the front and back of all of the strips. This step is a little tedious and definitely isn't necessary, but I personally think it makes everything a lot sturdier so the wreath will last longer and store better.

Once both sides have dried you staple the ends together to make little loops out of the paper.

Then you simply hot glue your strips onto the wreath to cover it!

I wrapped my styrofoam wreath in ribbon for a nicer look whenever there are some spaces showing in between the paper. I generally use 4-6 different designs/types of paper. With getting 24 strips out of each paper, this makes enough strips for two wreaths.

Also, the wreath I used the first time had squared off edges. I later found some wreaths (at the Dollar Store!) that were completely round and I liked that look a lot better. This was such a cheap, simple, and easy craft to make! I will definitely be making more of them. In fact, I have already made one for the Fourth of July and Halloween!

I would say the total cost for each wreath is about $5.

Styrofoam wreath - $1 (Dollar Store)

Ribbon - Approx. $2-$3 (I've had to use about a roll and a half on each wreath)

Paper - Approx. $2 (I bought a huge seasonal pack of paper at Hob Lob when it was half off for $10. I could make at least 5 wreaths out of each season from the pack, so probably about 30 wreaths total could come from the whole package. This is also nice to use because that way the paper already matches and coordinates for you!)

Now I'm off to cut strips of paper for a nice Fall wreath! And do some actual resting, of course! ;)

I'm linking up here: