The Hubs

Just a head's up, this entire post is going to be dedicated to how awesome my husband is. So if you don't like the mushy, gushy stuff...turn away now. You've been warned. ;)

Last May the hubs graduated from college with a degree in Broadcast Journalism. He loves radio work and is really good at what he does. However, radio jobs are very few and far between right now. After college he continued his job at an Apple retail store for several months, but that was very quickly becoming frustrating. Let's face it, retail jobs just suck. One of our best friends, Amelia, works with Special Ed children and after Mike spent an evening talking with her he thought this might be something he would like to explore.

For the last 7 months he has been working as a para professional with children who have special needs such as autism, mental handicaps, and Down Syndrome. This has not been an easy job. It requires strong patience and the task of quite often being a bathroom wiper. It is certainly not something for the weak. I could never do it, but he has loved his time there and I dare say that he has blessed those children's lives for the better.

The only hard thing about all of this is that school positions aren't terribly safe right now. There are layoff's all the time and you never know when they're going to hit. But Mike got hit on Monday. He was told that it simply wasn't in the budget for him to have a job next year. He was devastated. Who wouldn't be?? It was also hard to not take it personally. He was not fired...he simply was laid off because he was the most recent para to join the school, which made him the first to go. It's still not a fun feeling, no matter the reason.

Our lives haven't been easy over the past two years. We've been incredibly blessed in certain areas, but we've also been struggling with infertility that entire time. Now, just as soon as we're getting deep into making a very costly decision about IVF or adoption, he gets laid off. But here's where the hubs gets amazing... (as if he wasn't amazing enough already for having that job).

Mike was upset over this circumstance for maybe a few hours that evening. Then he put back on his annoyingly wonderful and optimistic happy pants. ;) This is what he told me... It was obvious God had another plan for him, otherwise this wouldn't have happened. He simply needs to find the door that God now wants him to walk through. He said if he ever cried over this it would be tears of joy because he knows that God has something great in store for him and he can't wait to figure out what it is.

Umm, wow! Like I said, my husband is amazing. I am so blessed to get to walk through this difficult infertility journey with him. Somedays it seems like the hits just never stop coming, but as long as he keeps wearing those annoying happy pants and as long as we seek God first, I know we will come out on top through all of this.

Scratch That Last Plan

Oh, how one day can change everything. Wait, no. Oh, how just 15 minutes spent with your doctor can change everything!

On Friday I had a follow up appointment with my doctor regarding my surgery. We went over what he found and then discussed where we would go from here. I told him that our wishful thinking makes us want to be able to get pregnant on our now that I've had this surgery. He talked about my problems and any issues the hubs may have. He then very bluntly, yet so sweetly, told me that with our combined problems the chance of us conceiving a child on our own or through IUI is 0%. Ooouuuccchhh!! Can you imagine how that knocked the wind out of me??

Now, this man has a knack for always being able to tell when I'm about to cry. He also has a knack for always making me cry! I think he does it on purpose!! But right after that little kick in the gut he told me not to fall apart and to stick with him. He said not in a million years would he tell someone that they would never get pregnant on their own. It's always possible. After all, it only takes one egg and one sperm. But...the stats and numbers exist for a reason.

So where does he say that brings us to...oh yes, IVF (in vitro fertilization). If we want to get pregnant this is where our money needs to be spent. Our family will be built through IVF and/or adoption. Both are incredibly expensive and both are incredibly stressful, but we have to choose one for now.

Truly, right now, my heart is in IVF. I want to create a life. I want to feel life growing inside of me. I want to give birth to life. I want to see my features reflected back in that life. I will not be ashamed of having these feelings either. I believe that they are all natural feelings for a woman.

There's a lot of research, saving money, and prayer to be done before we proceed with anything. But we will proceed. I just can't sit back anymore. We have been trying for 20 months now and we must press on. As Dr. Nilson said to me before I left his office, "You will have a baby. It might take a while and you might have to use a lot of money, but you can get pregnant." (Like I said, I think he tries to make me cry on purpose!) I really believe what he says. One way or another, our family will expand. We will be parents. Through lots of prayer (and lots of Google-ing!) I believe we will reach a concrete decision soon of where we are headed. Stay tuned. :)

Back to Real Life

This week I have started going back to work full time, which means everything is going back to "real life." The pain pills from the surgery are gone and almost all of the pain itself is gone as well. Even though I enjoyed it, as much as I could while just sitting on my bum, "vacation" time is over. I was blessed during the last two weeks to have a great husband always taking care of me, a great mom always checking in on me, and a great group of coworkers always dropping by with meals! I really know some truly great people!

But, like I said, it is back to "real life" now and I'm okay with that. That simply means that we are moving onward. I try to look forward to what we have ahead of us, but at the same time I'm terrified. I'm absolutely terrified that there may be no close end in sight to our struggle. Infertility is so incredibly draining on life and marriage. It can be draining emotionally, financially, physically, and yes, even sexually. I have to daily choose to put on a smile and have a positive attitude, and that is not always an easy choice.

The future is so unknown. We have our plans for the moment...now after the surgery we'll try on our own for about three more months while still looking for adoption opportunities. Once our three months are up we may look further into doing some IVF treatments in St. Louis. I can only hope that our earthly plans are somewhere in line with God's Heavenly plans. But if there's anything I've learned in the past 20 months of trying to get pregnant, it's to not count on any of my plans! We will just continue on into the scary, unknown future with Him by our side, and somehow, someway we will make it through with the ultimate plan finally being clear. Someday.