Making Progress In The Journey

Well, we did it. On Wednesday morning we actually went through the IUI process for the first time. It was a very quick and fairly painless procedure that came accompanied with some very overwhelming feelings. We have finally done what we've talked about doing for over a year now. Wow! There is progress being made, slowly but surely.

On Monday night the hubs had to give me a shot in my belly. I didn't think either one of us were going to make it through that...but we did! Then Wednesday morning I wasn't sure if either one of us were going to make it through the procedure without bawling our eyes out...but we did. Now we have to wait two weeks and then I will go in for blood work to see where we're at. Sometimes I'm unsure if we can handle all of the crazy emotions that will come in the next two weeks...but I know we will.

20 months ago I would have never imagined that this is what we would be doing in our lives. I expected to be going crazy with a cute little 9-12 month old running around. But this if the life we have been given and I will be grateful for it...I will praise Him for it.

I am already seeing so many blessings coming from what we're going through. Two weeks ago Mr. Terry Rush decided to comment on this blog that I hadn't touched in 8 months. I immediately just knew that I needed to write about our journey that not many people knew we were going through. Since then three people I grew up with have read this and reached out to me by letting me know that they have gone through the same thing. They have all offered support to me that I wouldn't currently have otherwise. Everyone at my work also knows what we're going through right now. It's such a personal journey for me that it sometimes makes it hard to be so open about all of it, but I know I need to be. It can be difficult to think about all the people I'll have to tell if things don't go the way we're all hoping for, but that also means we have that many more people praying for us through every step of the way. This may be a difficult and, at times, emotionally draining journey, but it is one full of blessings if I'll just open my eyes to all of the possibilities.

The Little Signs

My 23rd birthday is soon approaching in just two short weeks. However, up until three days ago, I was still hanging onto a present I had received from my last birthday almost a year ago. It was a Mardel gift card from our good friends Chris and Amelia. Who holds onto a gift card for a year?? Well, for some crazy reason, I did! But I'm starting to see more and more God's hand in this small act of holding onto that gift card. Let me tell you about the super random chain of events...

I have known for a very long time that if/when we do have a child, whether through pregnancy or adoption, that I want to get the Bible verse reference I Samuel 1:27-28 as a tattoo. The verse reads, "I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord." This quote comes from Hannah who struggled with infertility for a long time and the Bible tells of her hearts yearning and desire to bear a child. God finally granted her the wish and that was her response to be being blessed with a child. The other day I was thinking about these verses again and thought that there surely had to be some kind of Christian support out there on the internet in regards to Hannah and infertility. I turned to my best friend, Google, and, lo-and-behold, found the site Hannah's Prayer Ministries.

This site is exactly what I was looking for: a place that offers "Christian support for fertility challenges." It just so happens that one of the founders of Hannah's Prayer, Jennifer Saake, has written a book called Hannah's Hope. As soon as I heard of the book I knew there had to be a reason why I still had that Mardel gift card...especially since it came from Chris and Amelia, two of the people that have been most supportive and instrumental in helping us through these times. It's just a little sign I can take from God that His hand surely is in all of this. It's not necessarily a sign that we will ever conceive a child. I just see Him showing me that just as it took a while to use something as simple as that gift card, it was still used within its own time and had a great purpose. In the same way, this process we're going through may take a long time, but there is a great purpose for it and it will be used within its own time to bring glory to His kingdom.

A Party Fit For A Pirate!

Last Friday I had the privilege of celebrating the life of my sweet, sweet niece Ethne. She just recently turned four and we had a great time getting together at her pirate themed party...theme picked by the birthday girl herself! It was nice to just hangout with everyone and enjoy our common love of this precious little girl.

Ethne is the first person to have made me an Aunt and she has been a joy since day one. She may only be four, but she is, without a doubt, such a sweet, kind, and loving little girl who is always striving for what is best. She is beyond creative and always thinking of such fun and silly things to do. She always makes me laugh and smile and I am so richly blessed to be able to watch her change and grow all the time. I love you, Ethne! Thank you for being such a fun and beautiful niece and letting me be a part of your life.

An Update on Life

Well, apparently someone *cough*TerryRush!*cough* thinks I need to update this lil' 'ol thing. My life isn't all that exciting. Its just me, the hubs, and the two little cats that snuck their way into our lives a few months ago when we rescued them. But there have been some things going on with us lately that might be worthy to write about...and this could even allow me to vent a little when things simply get too frustrating. So, here it is...

As of Tuesday of this week Mike and I began the process of going through intrauterine insemination (IUI). Our story of how this all started is a long and complicated one, but here's the shortest way I can tell you about it...

In December of 2007, when we were still just engaged, I had surgery and was diagnosed with endometriosis. We got married six months later and have been trying to get pregnant ever since then because we know that, due to the endometriosis, there is less of a chance to conceive the longer we wait. This Sunday, Valentine's Day, will mark 20 months since we got married...a very long 20 months of trying to get pregnant. After we hit the year mark last summer we went to the Tulsa Fertility Center, but once we had spent lots and lots of money there for just three office visits and some lab work, we had to stop going. Just recently I had a friend at work refer me to her gynecologist (the great Dr. Nilson) who is able to do IUI himself for a heck of a lot cheaper than a fertility center. So that's where we're at right now. I am currently pumping my body full of hormones and trying not to drive the hubs crazy!

At this point in our journey I am actually more scared, and nervous, and sad than I have been the past 20 months. We've talked about doing infertility treatments for so long that now that we're actually at that point...I'm terrified. My husband has turned hopeful and optimistic and I have turned terrified and pessimistic. Our odds for IUI working are not high. The doctor said himself that it probably won't work. Our best bet would be to do in vitro (IVF), but that is a lot more expensive and we would have to go to another fertility clinic for that. So we're giving the IUI a shot for now.

I have been afraid to tell anyone, even our closest friends, that we've actually started this process now, because I'm dreading the time when they're all waiting to hear the results and I have to tell them that it didn't work. (See, there's the pessimistic attitude!) I feel that I need to have some sense of low expectations so that I am not overly disappointed if nothing comes from this, especially since it almost never works on the first try. But I also keep thinking about how my lovely sister-in-law, Ashlee, told me that I can't already go into this defeated. I am in the process of trying to find some happy medium between those two attitudes.

The best thing that my sister-in-law has told me though is this: One day my child will ask me how much I love them or where they came from. And even if this process works or not, it will still be a huge part of their story. That's what I'm holding onto right now. No matter if we get pregnant on the first or third try of IUI, we one day get pregnant on our own, or we adopt...this is all a part of the story. I will try to keep up with this lil' 'ol blog and be as honest and open as I can. So come along and join me for the story...it's bound to be interesting!