Christmas Morning

Today was a big day for me and the hubs. Well, in the grand scheme of things to come, it may not be that big. But for now, it was big.

We mailed in our adoption application this morning! That was the first true step we've taken towards actually getting started with adoption. And it was exciting! I kept saying all day yesterday that I felt like it was Christmas Eve, thus the title of Christmas Morning. I can't wait for all the many more exciting Christmas Eve/Christmas Morning moments to come as we continue down this journey.

What I posted on my Facebook and Twitter pretty much sums up the day: "Just mailed my heart, hopes, and dreams (adoption application) to Enid, OK. Oh, and $500! May God be glorified in this new journey."

The hubs weighing the envelope and getting it ready to go.

Ready!

Bye, bye application! I hope you turn into a baby soon! ;)

Also, I plan on keeping track of our adoption expenses on here. One, for our benefit so it will help us when it comes time to file for the adoption tax credit. Two, for anyone out there curious about adoption and all the costs that it entails. I'll continue to add to the list whenever something new comes up.

Adoption Costs

*Puzzle for adoption fundraiser (more on this later, promise) - $19.78

*Postage for mailing application - $4.95

*Application fee - $500

Running Total - $524.73

Decisions, Decisions

I really never would have imagined how many decisions come with adoption. But we are finally getting somewhere with all of it. I know, I know...I've said that before. But it's been a stressful road to try and decide where our child is going to come from.

We have, however, settled on private adoption. The road to becoming parents for us is going to be stressful enough on its own. Right now, we're simply in the state of mind of wanting to be a Mommy and Daddy. I don't think we're ready for the emotional roller coaster and ups and downs of DHS at this time.

DHS has been put on our hearts, that's for sure, and that may come up later in life. Maybe we will adopt through DHS one day or maybe our eyes just needed to be opened a little bit more to DHS. I'm not sure where it may lead, but for now, we will not be adopting through them.

We are using a small in-state agency that works with only a few couples at a time. The total estimated cost will be about $30,000. There is a tax credit we can apply for after the adoption is completed that will help us get some money back, but there are still a lot of other fees that will need to be paid for. We are doing all we can to personally save up for this and the hubs has gotten a second job just for the adoption. We do have a few fundraisers in mind to help out with the costs as well and will post more on that later.

I know there has been a lot of back and forth on this blog about us adopting. I really can't say enough how stressful it is to decide which path of adoption to take. But I told myself I would be open and honest here through every step of the way. So that's why you've heard about every back and forth decision. But we are ready to move forward now and would appreciate it if you kept us in your prayers. This is only the beginning for us.

A Different Trip To The Same Place

Deciding to have a baby is like planning a trip to Australia: You’ve heard that it is a wonderful place.

You’ve read many guidebooks and feel certain that you’re ready to go. Everyone you know has traveled there by plane. They say it can be a turbulent flight with occasional rough landings, but you can look forward to being pampered on the trip.

So you go to the airport and ask the ticket agent for a ticket to Australia. All around you excited people are boarding planes for Australia. It seems there is no seat for you; you’ll have to wait for the next flight. Impatient, but anticipating a wonderful trip, you wait…and wait…and wait.

Flights to Australia continue to come and go. People say silly things like “Relax, you’ll get on a flight soon.” Other people actually get on a plane and then cancel their trip, to which you cry, “It’s not fair!”

After a long time, the ticket agent tells you, “I’m sorry, we’re not going to be able to get you on a plane to Australia. Perhaps you should think about going by boat.”

“By boat!” you say. “Going by boat will take a very long time and it costs a great deal of money. I really had my heart set on going by plane.” So you go home and think about not going to Australia at all. You wonder if Australia will be as beautiful if you approach it by sea rather than air. But you have long dreamed of this wonderful place for so long and finally you decide to travel by boat.

It is a long trip; many months over many rough seas. No one pampers you. You wonder if you will ever see Australia. Meanwhile, your friends have flown back and forth to Australia two or three more times, marveling about each trip.

Then one glorious day, the boat docks in Australia. It is more exquisite than you ever imagined and the beauty is magnified by your long days at sea. You have made many wonderful friends during your voyage and you find yourself comparing stories with others who also traveled by sea rather than by air.

People continue to fly to Australia as often as they like, but you are able to travel only once, perhaps twice. Some say things like, “Oh, be glad you didn’t fly...My flight was horrible...Traveling by sea is so easy.”

You will always wonder what it would have been like to fly to Australia. Still you know that God blessed you with a special appreciation for Australia and that the beauty of Australia is not in the way you got there, but in the place itself.

By Diane Armitage printed in the April 21, 1995 "Dear Abby" column.

A Slight Update

Okay, okay...my mother is harassing me to update this, so here we go!

We had our Home Safety Check last Thursday with Circle of Care.  They are the program that would be the "middle man" for us while working with DHS, which is a really nice resource to have.  Everything went really well.  We went over a lot of paperwork and did a quick tour/safety check of the home (duh).  The whole thing was very relaxed and casual.  I know the one with DHS will be a lot more intense!  The next step here is that DHS will run our background checks and then we will begin taking classes to become certified foster parents.

And now here comes the part that I'm not so sure I'm ready to admit to everyone.  Truthfully, I just have a huge fear of being judged.  But I said I would be open and honest on here about the entire process of infertility and adoption, so that's what I will continue to do.

So even though we have been through the first step of becoming foster parents, I'm still not positive that's the route we're going to take.  I don't want to seem wishy-washy, but it is such an emotionally draining/stressful decision to try and decide which path in adoption to take.  I've said it in the past and I'll say it again...I thought it was a big enough decision for us to decide we wanted to adopt.  But once that door was opened, there were a million other decisions to make!

Recently we have had some circumstances regarding private adoption kind of fall straight into our laps.  It's been hard to ignore.  We do believe that God has opened our hearts to DHS, but we do also believe that God is leading us to this opportunity for private adoption.

So now we just have to choose.  Do you know how hard that is??  Fertile people get to just become pregnant.  That's so normal and simple.  But when that doesn't work for you, you have to choose how you're going to become a parent.  It is the most stressful and fearful decision I've ever had to make.  I know that if we pray about it and continually give our lives over to the Lord, He will make any decision work out to His will.  But it is still so stressful to wonder if we're making the "right" decisions.

Cost is a huge stress factor with private adoption.  The situation that has currently been presented to us is the best with the cost factor that we've ever heard of.  But it's still a lot of money.

On the other hand, I honestly do not feel like I'm in the right state of mind for foster care right now.  I just want to be a mommy.  I've been trying to become a mommy for two and a half years now.  I'm not desperate, but I desperately want to be a mother.  I don't think that gives me the right ability to be able to handle the emotional roller coaster of foster care.  I feel like I would emotionally distance myself from the children, not knowing if they would be with me forever or not.  I don't feel like I would give all of myself to them and that's not fair for anyone.

I would love to get pregnant, give birth to my baby, and take that baby home from the hospital knowing the whole time that it is mine.  But that's not going to happen, at least not any time soon.  So the closest I can get to that right now is through private adoption, where someone else would get pregnant and give birth, but I would get to take that child home from the hospital as a newborn knowing that they're mine.

But it's very difficult to say "yes" to a $20,000+ adventure when the money is not currently there, and you're not too sure how it ever will be.  See??  Adoption is very stressful.  And we haven't even really started anything yet!  Ugh.

So there it is for you.  That's most of what I've been keeping bottled up inside for the last two months or so.  Please don't judge me for being wishy-washy.  Trust me, I'm judging myself enough over it.  I wish I could just make a decision, stick with it, and get everything going.  But I would have never imagined that trying to become a parent would be so stressful emotionally, spiritually, and financially.  Please just continue to pray for us as we walk down this path of infertility and adoption.

Whoops

Okay, I've just realized that I kinda left everyone hanging these past couple of weeks (thus the "Whoops" title).  Sorry!  I've known what's going on with everything, so sometimes I forget to post it on here. haha!

The truth is, unfortunately, not much has been going on.  Our Home Safety Check was supposed to be on January 6th, but the lady we've been working with got really sick that week, so she had to postpone.  It has finally been rescheduled for this Thursday, the 27th.  Once it's finished, I promise to give an update!

The hubs and I really appreciate all the love, support, and prayers everyone has been showing us so openly.  It means more to us than you could ever imagine.  Please continue to pray that we will be led to, and be open/receptive to, just the right situation God needs us to be in.  Thank you again!

Here We Go

Alright folks, we have finally decided what the heck we're doing, so here it is for you...  We are going to go through the foster care system and foster-to-adopt.  So yes, that does mean that we are becoming foster parents first.  And yes, there's a good chance that some kids who come into our home will eventually return to their biological families.  But one day there will be a child meant for us and that child will never have to leave our home.

Here's how we came to the decision of doing this: The hubs has always wanted to adopt.  He even talked about when we were still just dating.  So when it came time in our marriage that we knew that's the point we were at, he immediately wanted to do it through foster care.  I, on the other hand, was terrified of that and flat out said "no", over and over again.  So we tried to go through agency after agency, but nothing ever seemed to work out for some reason.  We had finally settled on an agency that was looking good and had a phone interview set up with them for 5:00 pm on a Friday.  I, however, woke up that morning with DHS/foster care on my brain like crazy.  I just could not get it out of my head!  It was the strangest thing.  Then 5:15 pm rolled around and we still hadn't received a call from this private adoption agency.  Then 5:30, 5:45, 6:00...  Around 6:30 pm we finally decided that, for whatever reason, they weren't calling.  And to my surprise, I felt extremely relieved that they didn't call us.  That was the final sign I needed.  I finally heard God speaking to me.  He needs us to go through DHS to build our family, so that's exactly what we'll be doing.

We are working with a third party agency that will go through DHS for us.  They will make all the calls necessary and will stay in continual contact with them, making sure everyone is staying on top of our paperwork.  So that is REALLY nice to have.  We meet with them for the first time on Monday, the 6th, at our house to start initial paperwork and they will also do a Home Safety Check at that time (yes, I will be cleaning my house like CRAZY this week!)

So, there you have it.  The hubs and I are going to become foster parents with hopes that we will eventually be able to adopt one of those precious children that comes into our home.  It will not be easy.  I know this.  But these children need love and stability in their lives, and who am I to say no to that just because they may not be with me forever?  Please pray for us as we get started on this new journey.  I will definitely keep you updated along the way!

What Christmas Is All About

"And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified.  But the angel said to them, 'Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.' Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest heaven, and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rest.'" Luke 2:8-14

This, indeed, is what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.  I encourage you to take some time over the next few days to truly remember why we're all gathering together.  Think about Mary and the public struggles she went through being a virgin who was pregnant.  Think about Joseph and the choice he made to stay by Mary's side, instead of breaking off their engagement, as he so easily could have done.  Think about the birth of Jesus, God's Son, happening in a smelly, dirty, and noisy stable.  Think of the shepherds coming to see them, filled with great joy.  And think of Mary, treasuring all the little moments in her heart, and slowly realizing that the precious baby she held in her arms was the Savior of the world.

I pray that you all have a blessed and safe Christmas weekend, spending time with those you love, and remembering the birth of the Messiah, the Lord...Jesus.