A Slight Update

Okay, okay...my mother is harassing me to update this, so here we go!

We had our Home Safety Check last Thursday with Circle of Care.  They are the program that would be the "middle man" for us while working with DHS, which is a really nice resource to have.  Everything went really well.  We went over a lot of paperwork and did a quick tour/safety check of the home (duh).  The whole thing was very relaxed and casual.  I know the one with DHS will be a lot more intense!  The next step here is that DHS will run our background checks and then we will begin taking classes to become certified foster parents.

And now here comes the part that I'm not so sure I'm ready to admit to everyone.  Truthfully, I just have a huge fear of being judged.  But I said I would be open and honest on here about the entire process of infertility and adoption, so that's what I will continue to do.

So even though we have been through the first step of becoming foster parents, I'm still not positive that's the route we're going to take.  I don't want to seem wishy-washy, but it is such an emotionally draining/stressful decision to try and decide which path in adoption to take.  I've said it in the past and I'll say it again...I thought it was a big enough decision for us to decide we wanted to adopt.  But once that door was opened, there were a million other decisions to make!

Recently we have had some circumstances regarding private adoption kind of fall straight into our laps.  It's been hard to ignore.  We do believe that God has opened our hearts to DHS, but we do also believe that God is leading us to this opportunity for private adoption.

So now we just have to choose.  Do you know how hard that is??  Fertile people get to just become pregnant.  That's so normal and simple.  But when that doesn't work for you, you have to choose how you're going to become a parent.  It is the most stressful and fearful decision I've ever had to make.  I know that if we pray about it and continually give our lives over to the Lord, He will make any decision work out to His will.  But it is still so stressful to wonder if we're making the "right" decisions.

Cost is a huge stress factor with private adoption.  The situation that has currently been presented to us is the best with the cost factor that we've ever heard of.  But it's still a lot of money.

On the other hand, I honestly do not feel like I'm in the right state of mind for foster care right now.  I just want to be a mommy.  I've been trying to become a mommy for two and a half years now.  I'm not desperate, but I desperately want to be a mother.  I don't think that gives me the right ability to be able to handle the emotional roller coaster of foster care.  I feel like I would emotionally distance myself from the children, not knowing if they would be with me forever or not.  I don't feel like I would give all of myself to them and that's not fair for anyone.

I would love to get pregnant, give birth to my baby, and take that baby home from the hospital knowing the whole time that it is mine.  But that's not going to happen, at least not any time soon.  So the closest I can get to that right now is through private adoption, where someone else would get pregnant and give birth, but I would get to take that child home from the hospital as a newborn knowing that they're mine.

But it's very difficult to say "yes" to a $20,000+ adventure when the money is not currently there, and you're not too sure how it ever will be.  See??  Adoption is very stressful.  And we haven't even really started anything yet!  Ugh.

So there it is for you.  That's most of what I've been keeping bottled up inside for the last two months or so.  Please don't judge me for being wishy-washy.  Trust me, I'm judging myself enough over it.  I wish I could just make a decision, stick with it, and get everything going.  But I would have never imagined that trying to become a parent would be so stressful emotionally, spiritually, and financially.  Please just continue to pray for us as we walk down this path of infertility and adoption.